I know they exist and I understand why, and someone has one on me. I need to tell him it's just not going to work. How on earth do I do that?
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SF Bay Area
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Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Thu, July 12, 2007 - 9:45 PMSend him to this tribe.
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Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Fri, July 13, 2007 - 6:32 AMwell i'm not crazy, but i'm a crusher.
i honestly don't like when my crushes tell me it isn't going to happen. As long as they give me no reason to crush, they don't seem interested or they become super ugly, then my crush just fades away.
is this person a crazy crusher? -
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Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Sat, July 14, 2007 - 11:12 AMno, I don't think he's crazy, he just had a little crush that blew up into a big one because we were in a car accident together.
I need to actually hang around my crushes to get the whole idealized notion of them out of my head, personally, but since I'm so honest about having crushes on them I think I might freak them out, and then if they distance themselves they inadvertently make my crush worse.
BUT I've never had a post traumatic stress crush. -
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Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Sat, July 14, 2007 - 11:33 AMoh i get it now.
makes sense why he is crushing was the car accident a big one?
i don't think you can deal with this like you would with a normal crush.
I'll have to think more about this..
very interesting post.
try putting yourself in his shoes figure out his feelings and why he feels what he does.
also so i'm guessing you don't like him back at all. -
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Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Sat, July 14, 2007 - 12:29 PMMy guess is that in a traumatic situation, we get hardwired into the experience and the people involved. It is burned into our mind as an important event in our lives and it doesn't go away like some of the everyday, mundane events do. If it is a human face with actions associated with it, that probably doesn't go away so fast either, that image of the savior or the devil, whichever it is.
In this particular instance, I would basically tell the person "Gee, I hope you don't keep expecting me to go through that again with you!" There is such a thing as being overly nice about crushes and attractions and such and we should not be in the business of leading others on if we know that they are being led on by themselves, ourselves, and/or otherselves. Of course, that is easy to type and easy to gripe about. The hard part is trying not to hurt someone else's feelings and realizing that that may have to occur and then figuring out the most graceful way to do that. Plus, killing with humor doesn't always get one out of a situation such as this...it can backfire. Ouch. -
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Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Fri, July 20, 2007 - 6:25 PMThats exactly right, it's not a normal crush, so I'm not sure how to deal with it, not that dealing with normal crushes is easy.
The car accident *was* a bad one. The pictures are in my tribe profile. And its true, I don't like him back *that way* at all. at first I thought I would keep an open mind, but I'm sure now I don't feel anything close to what he's feeling for me, and never will, because it's not really a "normal" way to feel about someone, unless you have a traumatic experience with them. I don't even think I could. I'm dead sure that the intensity of the crush he has on me is because of the car accident. Yeah, I'm sure he thought I was cute or whatever before it happened, but this crush is intense because of the accident, you can just tell. He's all like "We could have died!" and I'm all like "eh modern engineering, we were lucky we were in a nice car or I would have broken my ankle" you know, growing up in Detroit, studying industrial design, having a dad who totaled 7 cars, a car crash isn't as big a deal to me.
I like the idea of telling him that I hope he doesn't want me to be in another car crash with him.
VERY unfortunately, I agreed, (it seemed like a good idea at the time) to help throw a party for people who have been in burning man related car accidents. Dumb, Dumb, dumb, I see now he's using it as an excuse to spend more time with me.. I just figured that one out, I'm not very bright. So great... I get to go through that again, metaphorically.
so yeah- I've dug myself a nice little hole here.
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Unsu...
Re: PSTC (post traumatic stress crush)
Fri, August 10, 2007 - 3:31 PMHave you rented the movie "Crash" ?
Kinda extreme version of this situation, and definitely disturbing.
I was in another tribe where people were discussing how we so often try so hard to cushion the blow of rejecting someone, that we go too far the other direction and we end up taking all the responsibility on ourselves to not make them sad about it.
(Wish I could remember where that thread was! LOL!)
And how, in the end, the kindest thing to do is simply be honest, gentle, but firm, and let that person go through the feelings they have to go through to deal with their own feelings about it. You cannot do that for him.
Best of luck!
It was an interesting discussion, and
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